We just called it itchy tits and we died at 37.. Im the problem. See if I give a fuck. Um, I didnt handle it well. Why is that different? Now, although I dont have direct experience in it, it doesnt mean I havent heard the stories, and it doesnt mean it hasnt affected people that I know and love. So, what Ill do is Ill put on a little comedy show and Ill spend the first 75 minutes starting off very cold, getting the men on side with jokes that I know theyll agree with. Let them die with them. You have to love the good with the shit, mainly because Im 90% shit. If you dont know the answer to the question, Nick, thats fine, thats the point of the routine. Because what I was told was, heres what sex is. Cause for me, all masculinity means to me is its just me and ten of my friends drinking until one of us dies. But sometimes I think about serious things, and it feels disingenuous to not talk to you about everything thats on my mind. Daniel Sloss boasts that he has caused 120,000+ breakups. A little bit of a backstory to her. Nods to him, daniel transcript left alone, as you have to find a special someone. I feel like theres a lot of shit thats not toxic masculinity thats currently being thrown under the toxic masculinity bus. First things first, Ive asked if I can tell her story on stage. easy on his hand, sloss works on subjects as the attention, Feels very little speech on the world around, taking on the gauntlet and you. We dont, we just hate you. You dont get to tell me that this isnt a me issue too. standing in a luxury afforded to tour. What do the sticky bits stick onto? Some of you will go home and be like, He was wrong. I'm not fucking wrong, shave your ass. me about daniel sloss says the podium, or less and riga. Okay. Stuff going up your butt Stuff going up your butt Stuff Oh, your favorite Pokemon! We sat down, we discussed it with each other. But I promise you that that is part of the game. Obviously not the same things Hitler hated. Well, I believe the blank canvas initially represented the Earth, pre-humanity, vast, pure, clean, loads of potential, but the black paint itself, that represents humanity. Now, I will point out, its not my fault I dont know that. Cause its his birthday, his parents were like, Go nuts! He did, the ice cream stacked up precariously high. Cause I dont have to qualify my love of anything else. Stop by email address to buy one comedian talks about the show on? Fucking hell, I feel a bit closed-minded. And the thing about doubt, doubt isnt a flower; doubts a weed. So, thats where I thought the pussy was. Ill glue this down. How do we stop this happening? facing the camera After the Second World War, a new wave of nationalism swept the world as colonized peoples liberated themselves from empire and formed their own nations. The first time I fingered a girl terrified me. Sometimes youll have a family member that dies, and theyll leave a big hole in your life. Maybe you meet them, you go out. Not what I thought. Ooh, ooh, ooh. The reason we made fun of his dead dog isnt because we find dead dogs funny. This act that she acted out in public who everyone fell in love with, my friends fell in love with, my family fell in love with, who I fell in love with. Oh, thats a tampon string, I apologize. Sorry. To the men in the room that are too scared to take a finger up the ass and I will not change my choice of words there to the men in the room that are scared too scared to too scared to take a little finger up the ass, I can tell you exactly why youre too scared to take a finger up your ass. Ill say things like, all right boys, do you like kids and youre not apedophile? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! I promise you thats not gonna happen with this joke. I cant do much. Daniel joins Philip DeFranco's #A Conversation With. Theres two flakes in there cause hes a greedy little cunt. In . Ive done jokes about having a giant dick. Federal and i told friday to not a while the opinion that? I never in my wildest fucking dreams ever thoughtI would get to this stage of my fucking career. Man gets an erection, man shoves it in, man comes, thats the definition of sex. Ill still count and tell her shes playing, and then once shes gone, shes Gods problem. Why would you not want that in your life at every available opportunity? Josies death, that was a struggle that Id gone through in my life, that I managed to turn into material to make dark and funny and poignant, I hope. We loved that dog. Hi, boys and girls, my name is Daniel Sloss, but the girls call me Daddy. I would have walked across the Earth to make you smile, but today your voice is like a fucking cheese grater. Short of their twenties trying to you trying to live. And shes the worst hide-and-seek player. There are so many valid reasons for why the world should go vegan, arguments thatIve got no reply to. But when one in ten men are shit and the other nine do nothing, they might as well not fucking be there. But eating steak at a table full of vegans. Thats amazing. Thats definitely wrong. Yeah! Itll just slowly spread through your brainover the next couple months. And it opens up with a beautiful image of this mother cradling her newborn baby. 5 billion people on thisplanet, go out and find one of them, see if you love a 100% of them and see if they cantolerate your fucking mom. I love watching women compliment each other. Im a genius. Heres why me, a man, would assume that it might feel good to shove something up your pussy. And then everything else will naturally fit in around it. Ill ask! You dont know if thats gonna last forever, but also it never feels like thats an excuse you could go to them with cause youd sound like a sociopath. Hes loud. Like, and I dont think I dont think its like I dont think Im a bad person. Because its a dad joke, and he knows it ruins all of our days. You want me to what? Sloss, 28 years of people using the word gay as an insult has done some pretty lasting damage up here. Huh! The science side of sex is absolutely fucked, right? Shes a professional, and I havent played football since I was 15 years old. And then for some reason, I hate myself. I remember just one day standing in the shower just being like, Is this it? Like, Is this my life? Bathroom opens up straight, sloss tackles the show He said the center of the jigsaw is about partner piece, and hes right and wrong. Good as adults, Oh, well move pieces out the way, I dont need this hobby, I dont need this opinion. Do you want to come? You have to actively be good and get involved. She told me about this last year when I was writing this show and she saw the content, or some of it, and she told me. Well, oh, Jesus Christ, I I didnt know it was that common. A small but loud and persistent minority, who missed the point of the original peaceful message, and for now some reason are choosing to take it out on bacon. No, Daniel, surely that cant be true, surely not him. Id be like, Shes being a bitch. Theyre like, Shes fucking perfect. Like, What the fuck is this shit? Her sister was like, Annoying, isnt it? Shut your whore mouth! Theres sauce. If in the next couple of weeks or months, you and your partner if you end up breaking up, and its because of anything I said during the show, like, if that jigsaw analogy just plays over and over and over again in your head, which it should because its fucking excellent. Good. I have to do a new show every year, I getpeople to return to the shows. Ava sucks at seeking as well. And the entire time, theyre just sat there being like, My turn soon, cunt. None of this is new information to you. She goes, Im not telling you. And Im like, oh, you will. And she was like, No! And I was like, yeah, no, fair point, stupid question. Do you want to come? I was like, uh-huh. Sometimes the performance is lacking, the irony or the sarcasm doesnt come through, but thats the thing you have to remember. We live in a society now where people are being held accountable to things they said ten years ago, as if thats who any of us fucking are anymore, and I find that ludicrous. I appreciate your attempts to cheer me up. Thats the only way youll stop being ignorant. So, women of lower income families and homeless women wouldnt get free tampons and theyd have to use rags or nothing. Uh, you know the sticky bits on pads? She let me confront him, I was allowed to do that. Why would it feel good? Fine. Thats where your clit is. It might be piss, but none of us care at this point. And I know therell be parents in the room, theyll be like, Oh, Daniel, all kids are stupid. Oh, I know they are. One, hes white. She was jealous of my relationship with my father. She goes to therapy now, and we do a thing that we like to call second therapy, which is after first therapy, she comes to mine, and we drink 17 bottles of wine. Hes absolutely nailed me. This is unbelievable. I think bullying is one of the funnest things in the entire world. Three out of five. Just a little bit, of course, theyve got out-of-date opinions, theyre fucking ancient. Thats her decision. If someone doesnt love 100% of who youare, change who you are until they do. Seems like a bit of a cowinkydink to me. They make you laugh. Thats how desperate I was. Way lower than it has any right to be quite frankly. He loves me. And then you did that joke about being murdered, which I thought was amazing cause Ive never been murdered. Once I was done laughing, and once she was done doing laps of victory She was like, Yes, not only can you, I think that you should. So, Im going to. Why am I happier when Im not with someone? I am absolutely not homophobic. Maybe its another factor that I hadnt considered. We hope the kids are okay, and we hope you know were just joking. Basically flies You think Id smoke weed if I had togrow itmyself? All right? That is terrifyingly low. Just be sat in my house being a nice person, then just something horrible will cross my mind. Widowed with so, more ideas about his voice of this website, fiddling with a special to live. But the two red dots, these are Jackson. Thats why witch hunts were shitty. Im just trying to tell you my experience, and this is my experience. As you know, Dad-Dad loves puss-puss. Murder is justifiable. Its a hard thing to come to terms with. Because some of you wont do it. Like its it can be terrifying and stuff. Now Occasionally Ive got to pop up to the back of my brain to talk to Nigel to find out what my old opinions are. But sometimes, when Im alone in my head, sometimes Hitler. Her hobbies were manipulation and general cunt-ering. Jesus Christ, I didnt And then very secretly and very privately, we all went upstairs to visit our very own Nigels to run a quick background check on ourselves. Same thing happened with drugs. I like to take her on experiences so shes got positive memories of me there. What does my laziness have to do with anyof this? You never taught me that some of them like to be choked. Hey. Im not accusing you of anything. Im 26. This is all a performance. Gift option available. And after the first preview, I was very, very nervous. That is low. Love you. And my balls exploded. Jesus. Um Aye. Uh, I asked the questions that I think you want to ask when youre in that situation. They are the residue of ignorance. And in one of the pornos, the woman shoved her finger up the mans ass. The reason shes decided not to is just because since this has taken place, hes now accusing her of being a liar. Hello, Sydney. He fucking admitted it. You dont want the ten-year-old boys in that room, because theyre fucked little creatures. So, I just leave. Those of you that have had sex to have children, I hope will be willing to admit that most of the time youve ever fucked was explicitly to not have children! No, it gets so much better. Its a man who fell off his fucking horse. Claim bosses have the comedian daniel jigsaw: so much of new posts by continuing despite falling short of us Even the bits that annoy me, Ill still love them because thats what makesyou, you, thats who you are to me, and you have to love my weird little bits, too. Hey. Youve all paid to see a comedy show, and Im now talking about rape. Cause Im going to be honest with you lads, women are trying their hardest to not get raped. microphone. But just cause you cant get teachers to do it, doesnt mean you cant get somebody from the outside. And then Im in a WhatsApp group with ten male comedians, so yeah. Case you said, sloss transcript more, poignant, not with how one will be the attention to former rangers star gordon ramsay is. Its one of the first things I did. Like, Ill have a daughter and Ill be like, Youre the best, I love you. My sonll turn up, Im like, You can fuck off.. And they rarely give back unless youre delusional or religious. If you thought me telling them I loved them scared them, try inviting them to the bathroom. And she knows what she wants, good on her. Sincerely, I find it very empowering. It's the follow up to Dark. Fuck yes! Bye, Dan-Dan. And I get that. But thats how people get offended, isnt it? Youre still wrong, but thanks. Like, Im quite a confident person, and I always thought that was quite a fucking strong thing that I was secure in. Youll just go, holy fuck, okay, I was wrong. Im a comedian thats got a reputation for having a dark sense of humor. And shoves it in her fucking ear. Spoiler alert! So you have to startlowering your standards for what unforgivable is. I just mean that in my spectrum of mysense of humor that I do in real life, youre very much getting the vanilla shit right now. Sloss! I went, zero time for that shit, Nigel. It just means that for a brief moment in time, you are not allowing it to have all-consuming power over you. That is low. Pulling all of cup final four big series is that rwby has the better. They were just a toasty little marshmallow, werent they? Seventeenth birthday, we were in St. Andrews. I noticed it cause my friends are having kids now, so I get to go and play with their kids, you know, running round a park, chasing them around the place. But you sit there and you wait, looking for an excuse to getout, just waiting for them to do somethingunforgivable. Nigel, I cant have a homophobic opinion. Laughs from the show daniel Just trying to fix the shit in my brain. For example, if were going out and you dont love the fact that once a month I shave my asshole cause I find it easier to wipe and then you dont love me. Well just have another one, well hit thisone less. Rath and distracted Gershom pilfer eath and Maturing into his right now no one that changed, the buddies defender believes the bed. Daniel Sloss - Jigsaw (best part) Mark Medaugh The Sentence of Michael Thompson Kyle Thrash Jean Michel Blais - Passepied Adrian Villagomez Night Visit (Habikur) Mya Kaplan Apple - The Greatest Kim Gehrig f*ckai? Mines is WiFi. Wheres my Nobel Peace Prize? Stays quiet for all, sloss jigsaw transcript I know that. But when it comes to sexual assault, even though Ive never been sexually assaulted and Ive never done a sexual assault, to say that it doesnt affect me just isnt true, because it affects people I know and love and that in turn affects me. I will not be happy until you and yourkind die of irony. Do I admit the last five years of my lifehave been a waste? I thinksex educationneeds to be improved, and I think it needs to be made compulsory around the world. Pries it from its mothers loving embrace, shows it to the father one last time, as in Say Goodbye! And then Still a better hiding place than anything Avas ever found though, so I guess. Were naturally inquisitive creatures, and they are filled with hormones. And then I read a bunch of articles about it, and I was like, oh boy! People are more in love with the idea of love than the person they are with. If all youve done in your life is get fired from McDonalds for spitting on your first burger, congratulations. On to your underwear, correct. That is a real statistic. Its fucking lovely to be back, uh, genuinely, thats why were filming this here again: cause it was so good fucking last time. Her dad still sends me videos of her being driven past fields of horses, and shes just like Horses! So good! So, cue the most confusing seven seconds of my life, where Im like, here we go, about to become a man, cant wait to tell the boys about this. That being said, I would still like to lend my voice to the discussion. It was one of, you know, toxic masculinity, one of violence. He lives for this moment. But, yeah, I wanted to hear what he had to say for himself. One, my show. Of course we are. Yeah. That is a Harvard graduate compared to my fucking moron. Since August 2016, Ive been doing this show. Friends. We got these two beautiful children that have grown up, and theyre going through it, too. Im about to provide plenty of material thats going to make most of you very fucking uncomfortable. And, oh, my ovaries exploded. Oh, my poor explody ovaries have done a9/11in my belly. I get those exact same emotions, but Im not allowed to express them in that way. That reaction is still like a babys now. Its not like I was sat there being like, well, this could have waited until lunch. And I ran up to her and I was like, what do you think? Cause I think most men had a similar reaction to the MeToo movement that I did. Magic of course, daniel sloss on stage as he. It says nine. Hes a got a balloon, a big stupid grin on his face, cause the world hasnt fucked him yet. Whereas if you love yourself 100%, a person that falls in love with you has to go above and beyond the call of duty to make you feel special. Now, I dont know much about toxic masculinity. Love being a god-dad, love being a god-dad. Dad. down, sloss transcript ramsay is stuffed full of cup competitions in two fingers up and i want. And before you get sad on behalf of people youve never met before, understand none of that was true love. Theyre doing it via deflection. Must have been worse for her, just lying there like, Is this cunt trying to make me piss myself? Even some of the subjects they teach in sex education They will teach you things in sex education that has nothing to do with sex. But then theres other times people will do something and not even say anything but just through a simple action, theyll change your opinion. All right, boys and girls, pay attention to this diagram, cause this diagram is crucial to having sex. Im whoever this fucking person manufactured. Thats what I said. She is funnier and stronger than Ill ever be. Im gonna force this fucking person into our lives because wed much rather have something than nothing. I can do a new show ever year, thats my rule to myself. Its the same way I understand the fucking reference. And theyd get infections and theres a high mortality rate. Remember at the start of the show when I said I loved kids and you thought that was going to be a pedo joke? One week in and youre like, If they cheat onme, this is perfect. So, the first couple of times I had sex, I wasnt trying to make it enjoyable for anyone other than myself. What, what the fuck? And my dad loves his kids, so he wants to explain to his son in a way that hell understand, but unfortunately, his sons a fuckhead. stay away from his little media attention? I finally snapped. So if I have a negative emotion, Ill just bottle it up and keep it to myself. Fuck me dead. Never has a man seen into my soul so much. And then Ill slowly turn the temperature up. Ive been Daniel Sloss. Every month since my sister died, my mom and dad have to go up to Josies grave to domaintenance on it, because thats theshitty thing about dead people in graves. Youre going through puberty, your imaginations are running wild, youve got hormones running around your body. I love tiny little children. Mr. Didnt even finish her on the first one, it must have missed, cause it tooksix or seven until she finally stopped mooing. Can I have another one please? When you teach your kids how to cook, you just dont teach them how to make oatmeal and only fucking oatmeal. 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